By Blake McDermott
You wake up and it’s the morning of the party! You look at your watch… it’s the afternoon of the party! Crap! You fell asleep after sampling too much of tonight’s brownies’ special ingredient; this also explains why you are on the floor and why your shirt is missing. Panic starts to set in because you’re THAT guy/girl at the party that always brings homemade party brownies to the party! You were supposed to go to the store for exactly 1/3 cup of unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup of white sugar, ½ cup of all-purpose flour, and ¼ teaspoon of baking powder. You then remember that you have exactly one box of pre-made brownie mix and no one can tell the difference anyway… so, it’s all good.
As a sign of respect to the many brownie scientists that gave up their social lives to find the perfect temperature to cook brownies at, you read the box and find it’s 350 Fahrenheit, because this is America and we don’t F@#$ with Celsius. After reading the rest of the box, you chuck it over your shoulder. This isn’t your first party brownie rodeo—you got this! You whisk 2 eggs, 2 tablespoons of water, making sure they are properly mixed before adding a ½ cup of your secret ingredient: special infused coconut oil. Why coconut oil? Because you’re not a fool that uses butter and you’re sensitive to people with dairy allergies, that’s why. After thoroughly mixing in your “homemade” brownie mix and few taste tests, you goop it on a 9×9 greased pan and chuck it in the oven. You spend a couple minutes searching for the tossed box to remind yourself to set the timer for 35 minutes.
As you lick the bowl clean, you start to experience a moment of chocolaty bliss. Everything is right in the world. Your inner child and outer adult are high-fiving as you laugh hysterically at all your mother’s past warnings of salmonella! You start to make a mental note on something about portion control but it is cut short because “man, burgers sound really good right now!”
Oh, and bring some sort of milk. Don’t be THAT guy/girl that brings party brownies to the party and doesn’t bring milk! Like seriously, who does that?