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Inquiry of Fursey

Dear Fursey,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. Recently, I discovered that he downloaded Grindr and created a profile. He has chatted and exchanged pics with guys but says he has never hooked up with anyone. Now he’s pissed that I went snooping on his phone and says being on Grindr isn’t “cheating”, that it’s just fantasy. Now all I wanna do is drink and forget about it. What do I do?

Sheila Tequila in Palm Bay

Dear Sheila,

I know you are wondering why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because all of those men already have boyfriends. Your best bet is to keep on drinking, the German tourists will be here before you know it and Hans and Franz need a snuggle bunny after that cold German winter.

Dear Fursey,

My wife was cremated, as she had requested, but she also asked that her ashes be spread far away to all of our old Cruise Ship Ports. This would require me to take some long and expensive trips. Would it be disrespectful not to accommodate that part of her request?

Ashy Sarcophagus, Melbourne

Dear Ash,

Save yourself some time and money and sprinkle Hazel on the fire pit and smoke a Pork Butt. Spend your savings on gambling, liquor and cheap women. You can thank me later.

Dear Fursey,

My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. I’m shocked, he thinks it is no big deal. What do I do?

Signed Old Prude, Satellite Beach

Dear Old Prune,

It is plain to see that your husband loves you very much, and can’t get enough of you. Since he knows there is only one you, he has got to settle for the next best thing…your best friend. This can only enhance your relationship. But why stop there, invite over the babysitter, coworkers, old college roommates, whoever. If this bothers you, allow him to socialize while you go read a book. When he is done, make him a nice meal.

Dear Fursey,

My woman always hollers because I don’t put the toilet seat down. What can I do?

Sherman, The Villages

Dear Peabody,

Maybe spend one second going out of your way to flick the toilet seat down in order to help her avoid the sad, soggy fate of accidentally falling in the toilet. If you are having problems remembering this, please feel free to print this article out and tape it to the inside of the toilet lid/your face.

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