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Enquire of Fursey

Dear Fursey

I’m getting mixed signals from my man. He says he is getting tired of coming over to my step-daddy’s trailer and makin’ love in the broke-down el camino in the driveway. There’s something about the shag carpet and Def Leppard posters in my room that he doesn’t find too appealing, although I wonder if the brightness inside from the grow-lights make my full-body iron maiden tattoo look like the cheap Tijuana hack job that it is. What can I do to bring my man on inside?

Sincerely, Peaches

Dear Peaches,

Sounds like Joe Dirt just ain’t getting enough fireworks to draw him into mama’s kitchen. Maybe break out some new tricks like the screamin’ meemee, the whistling bunghole, the whisker biscuit, the cherry bomb, or the nipsy daisers with or without the scooter stick. Pretty soon he’ll be blowin’ his top in no time flat! Then every day can be 4th of July.

Dear Fursey:

My wife decided to become a vegetarian. It is really putting a strain on our marriage. Seems we can’t eat out any more because no place is vegan. I really want my family over for Easter dinner with a big fat ham, but all she wants is Tofurkey. She doesn’t even want me bringing meat in the house any more. What should I do?

Thanx, Meatman

Dear Meathead,

Sounds like your wife may have switched teams. I would start a secret plan to get her back by planning a date night then blindfolding her. First, begin with rubbing freshly cooked bacon under each arm. Buy some KFC scented candles and burn them to get her in the mood. A generous back massage with a piece of hog jowl should accompany this trifecta. Then, break out the Big Bite and give her a little nibble. Soon she will be craving meat more than ever. Be sure meat is always on the menu in the bedroom and give her a sausage that’ll make her eyes water! If that doesn’t do the trick, save your ones and head to Cheaters. All the girls there are carnivores.

Dear Fursey,

I admit I am packing on the pounds, I’m getting up in my years, I’m out of shape, a poor housekeeper, a bad cook, I have no job, and I’m not as attractive as I was when I met my husband back in the 60s, but after a long day at work must my husband always fall asleep while we’re having sex?

Wondering Granny

Dear Granny,

MUST he always fall asleep during sex? No, it’s purely voluntary.

Dear Fursey:

I am a 21 year old Mormon virgin from Utah who wants to meet the man of my dreams who fulfills me. I am 5’8″ tall, I weigh 115 pounds, am an aerobics instructor. I have a nice body, blonde hair, blue eyes, and should inherit a brewery when my father dies in a few months from cancer. I can’t go to bars because of my religion or look for guys at church because I am concentrating on God. Where can I go to meet Mr. Right?

Sincerely, Unhappy Hildegard

Dear Hilda…All things begin at Fursey’s house. First off, did you know my name is really Joseph Smith? The same name as the founder of the Mormon religion? I also happen to like blondes, money, and beer, so we have everything in common. With that being said, tonight I will pick you up at 8 PM. I guarantee after a few four lokos and a drive though the 15 minute Marriage Parlor we will truly have a religious experience. If that isn’t a sign from God then there never will be one.

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